“a memorial”
it was just another event
a typical ‘attending’ ‘not attending’ ‘maybe attending’
i see them all the time
i try not to be that guy that hits ‘maybe’ all the time
i try not to be the one that always says ‘no’
and there’s nothing worse than saying ‘attending’
with no intention of showing up
but then i caught a friend’s update
someone i usually expect snarkiness from
but that good kind of snarky
that ‘i know i’m a joke so i think i’ll tell one’
attitude…the kind i am drawn to
the kind i pay attention to
because lord knows i pay attention to myself
this wasn’t a typical one
the snarkiness was replaced
there was anger dripping
enough to turn the update into a gif
it was about this person
decapitated because he was gay
i thought he was a kid from the new blood
a cute little twink that got in the bars before he
was supposed to be in the bars
the kinds of kids i let into the urge
i was alarmed
whenever something happens to someone
because they are gay
i immediately take notice
i pounce on the news because
i may know that person
or i probably know someone
who knows that person
who knows i may have fucked him
who knows i may have had a drink with him
a smile, a seedy stare or a look of disgust with him
i may have never met him before
but he was gay
and that’s why he was crucified
and that’s enough for me to dive in
it is the one shade of my coloring
that i share with that person
whether plight or party
that person shares something with me
that only ‘ten’ percent of the universe
shares with me
therefore there aren’t a lot of us
so we should all know each other
we should all invite one another over
for thanksgiving
birthday parties
promotions and fundraisers
we should stick together
like the pages of a hand me down
porn mag
if stolen for the night
can be considered a hand me down
we should be brothers
we should be sisters
and when your brother or your sister
dies
what do you do?
you mourn
you get angry
you get nervous
you get scared
you get up
and you pay your respects
you rip up the anger into tiny pieces
and you turn that smoky shrapnel
into a ticker tape parade
confetti of confusion
but you throw it
and you love it
and you make a promise
to watch each other’s back
a little tighter
a little more seriously
a lot more
‘there is one letter short of a promise in promiscuity’
i feel it all
this holy night
this sacrilege
this war
as we follow the choreography
of the dance
of filth
i feel the awkwardness
i feel the shame
the mispronunciation
i feel the power
the promiscuity
all the misguided determination
we prayed and prayed for
we won the lottery
i feel you though i cannot feel you feel me now
there is no privilege
to the massacre
no accolade
for this ailment
the aorta overworked
stonewalled by desperation
sporadic with fatigue
i feel the push
i feel the throttle
blood cannot ever stay in one place
the moat must defend its kingdom
constantly
ferociously
feverishly
i feel nothing somewhere inside everything
it plays hide and seek
do you dare to care to find what’s hidden?
it runs in fear
yet it is the flower in which
the seeds of fear are born again
and scattered and annointed upon
the unfortunate and fortunate alike
everyone is afraid of nothing
and that is the sorcery
which binds us
which locks us
which seasons us
which flavors us
which binds us together
for all eternity
there is one letter short of a promise in promiscuity
‘momentos’
moments pass
militant yet religiously
should i use an adjective or an adverb?
when the quotient multiplies
when subtraction leaves you with
much, much more than what you started with
that is evolution
that is miss mary mac
all dressed up in a technicolor dream coat
that is cannibalism
we eat away at our various cancers
until only rebirthday cake is left
i have spent many dollars
i have dropped many coins
i have swallowed many pills
and snorted their shrapnel too
i have made a mockery of my foolishness
i have danced inside the absence of rhythm
i have put my ego on lay-a-way
i have returned the communion i once received
but nothing can cure me of my disease
nothing can change my punctuation
nothing can satiate my hunger
no one can be my abominable snowman
i struggle not to rhyme
yet the words that sound alike
creep their way onto my table
my dreams reckon to be a force
and my envy finds itself unemployed
the benefit of my intolerance
has become my favourite four letter word
do you know my favourite colour?
do you have a ticket for the show?
brother can you spare a diamond?
every good bye begins with the word hello
the goodbye waiver
by chauncey dandridge
if you swear you’re telling the truth
when you say that you loved me
then you should have no problem at all
hating me after today
i know you better than i know myself
so i’ll enjoy the game until you grow up
cut the puppet strings my fingers have bled by
release the ravens and-and carve the carcass
i use your strongest weapons on your own reflection
cultivating and celebrating your sweat and tears
they fill my pewter challice with blood
quenching my thirst for powerlessness and control
before i gulp it all down like a frantic swine
sympathy and empathy traipse about in tango
while my lusts and loves for all that is you
duel swords above a dangerous pit of poison
surely my grim conceit shall eventually thin
and through its inevitable translucence
you shall find a beating human heart
somewhere within my jungle of jealousy and immaturity
my words have always been my fists
jagged and calloused like tarnished brass
leaving gashes and bruises no medic can mend
though you must concede the pain they provided
today is not a different day for sure
the path is blocked and the lightning fierce
i need you too much to make this easy
i want to ensure our separation is final
for the only way i could possibly be defeated
is if you find it impossible to despise me
i shall never find a hole for this skeleton key
the truth would never admit that you lied
your love for me was nothing at all
compared to the mountain of worship i built for you
it shall erode soon into a desert of death
decorating the tundra at your swollen feet
your flames are cold, freezing monsters
liquid ice behind the mask of an inferno
i see your facade within the charade
nervous and frightened and indicted
symptoms you intended for me but suffer yourself
you are shivering and frostbitten with solitude
all the appendages of your arachnid heart
are now useless as the tongue in your mouth
and the shriveled cock in your hand
i never seek revenge for i am not that clever
but i’ve been in this bullfight many times before
i have exchanged the currency of this aggression
and searched for success as the passive matador
winning a battle i have chosen not to fight
will be the most rewarding victory of its kind
sweet and supple like the bosom of shame
yet spiky and sharp like the rose of romance
i’ve shed no blood because of you
i’ve only bled myself of love for you
i really believed in my dream of you
and the beauty imprisoned in our future
i relished every gift in our present
but you have startled me wide awake
all we hold dear is in the past
i clenched my passion and purse my lips
to utter these words to cast my spell
goodbye again for the very last time my dearest
for i shall never say hello to you ever again
red and green
by chauncey dandridge
you are a martyr’s apprentice
serving your simple sentence
i am a warrior from the womb
soldier of a friendly doom
i am a bullfighter bit by bit
yet all i seem to find is bullshit
cause all the real men are dead
my favourite colour is red
you tell me to stop
you tell me to continue
you keep trying to exorcise
the angel within you
goodbye
hello
which way did i go?
goodbye
hello
which way did i go?
you want to be good at bad
but you’re terrible at it
every single disease you want
i’ve already had it
things could get really loud
underneath your silly shroud
a protest to indecency
guarantees complacency
try to move a little faster
to chase your disaster
instead of swimming in mud
and drinking all of my blood
goodbye
hello
which way did i go?
goodbye
hello
which way did i go?
i’ll never tire of your charade
a faulty fortress to invade
a tiny country to conquer
another fresh wound to doctor
i will outlive your solitude
and accept your gratitude
i’ll swipe your fears and then
make you cry and cry again
i am your wildest dream
i am your greatest gift
the needle to your suture
a present from your future
goodbye
hello
which way did i go?
goodbye
hello
which way did i go?
Purgatory
Take this candy
Lick – suck – bite – chew it until your teeth are sore
Until your jaw quits in frustration
Until your tongue threatens to taste no more
It will never stop getting smaller
It will never completely disappear
It is my fantasy to be your fantasy
And yours to be mine
But fantasy can never be reality
Heaven can never be hell
But together we shall not burn
Together we shall not freeze
In this bittersweet purgatory
Drink this punch
Sip – slurp – swallow – gulp it until your belly is full
Until your eyes overflow with tears
Until your thirst threatens to be quenched
The chalice will never be empty
The chalice will never be full
It is my obsession to be your devotion
And yours to be mine
But religion can never be science
Fiction can never be fact
But together we shall not stop
Together we shall not go
In this liquid purgatory
Walking in circles yet
Never in the same place again
Dividing in halves yet
Never left with two parts the same
Climbing horizontally and
Running vertically yet
Forever still in this purgatory still
With and without you
Remember
Heaven can never be hell
Religion can never be science
Fantasy can never be reality
Fiction can never be fact
I am here to remind you
I am here to make you forget
Never can never be forever
With or without you
In this glorious purgatory
UNTITLED
Determination has its privileges
Where did I go wrong?
Drama has its consequences
Sing me a silly song
I just want to sleep so long
Waste a couple days in wild dreams
And the rest of the week I’ll spend
Trying to remember them
Trying to figure out what they mean
Inadequacy has its fallacies
Congratulations on your newborn child
Maybe I should try painting…
I used to walk along the water
Long before that prophet could walk on land
And my talismans cut through mountains like dynamite
Before the scientists could understand
My hands calmed the seas with separation
And my shadow was reveled in royalty
The dinosaurs roared and the flowers bloomed
Just to display to me their loyalty
But that was all so many years ago
Now I’m imprisoned with hands and feet
Spending my nights supplying my shelter
And my days searching for something to eat
Loneliness and Passion infect my insides
And danger is truly danger
I have danced uncontrollable in ecstasy
And have walked through the swamps of anger
I used to be a superstar
My children the lights that lit the night
Now I am here to mirror you to teach you
Behold us and watch us take flight
‘nondenominational’
celestial wastelands
uncomfortable wastebands
manufacturing the mistakes in my microscope
i entangle myself in the most solemn of eternitieslaying to rest my pillow and my bedspread
the ones i have not absolved from sin
in several weeks
in several yearsi celebrate my shadow
and synchronize my watchdog
yearning to find my middle finger
and banish my intercepted bigotryracism knowing damn well better than to think
that i am an advocate of his religion
without any explanation or arbitration
from little ole me
i am far more fiasco than these feathers
dipped in stolen ink can describejust bask in the sunlight
in the photographs of my holidays
and navigate within my sincerity
for its uncommonness is plagued by loneliness
and you will find that my mine
shelters the most rare of gems– chauncey dandridge
‘the opposite of substitution’
i never wanted sympathy
though that is all anyone could muster up and figure out to send me
it was the first time
i would have requested such a distorted pattern of praise
it was the first time
any constant in my life collapsed into catastrophe
i never hunted misery
though it became the fowl that kept my gun company
it was the last time
i could have connected to what i neglected
and learn many lessons from my many mistakes
there once were two people that i prayed to make proud
keep a crown on my courage
keep my fear under a shroud
now i am the only one
who shall remember her name
now i am the only one
who possibly could
but i have found yet another heir
to my throne of testaments
i have found another goal
another talisman to funnel my magic into
i have found you
whether or not the connection is physical
i pray the connection remains
fastened with the glue of my gratitude
i thank you for your patience
i thank you for your endurance
i thank you for your release
i thank you for your restraint
and i hope i have attempted
to return to you
what you have bestowed upon me
– chauncey dandridge