DEAR GUSTY

if you have a dilemma and know that only Gusty can lead you out of your lonely labyrinth…please email her at DearGusty@houseofdandridge.com and eventually witness your riddles reversed right here on the pages of this blog! (all names and locations will be gregariously garnished to protect the guilty)

Dearest Gusty,

this is richard here…i have a problem for you to help me solve. i’ve been dating this guy pedro for a little over four months and we’ve been having the greatest time getting to know each other and having fun, making out like kids at local gay bars and causing a scene while doing so. (we are certainly far from kids…i’m 35 and he’s very close to 40). he wants me to accompany him at his family’s annual picnic for memorial day but my firends have a place out on fire island that will surely be an insanely fun weekend and the christening of summer shenanigans to come. he doesn’t want to come and miss spending time with his family and he really wants me to be there but i really don’t want to miss hanging with my friends either…i can’t be in two places at once although i wish i could. what do YOU think i should do?
Please help!

Dichotomy Dick

Dear Dick,

It’s all about compromise sugar tits. Most Memorial Day picnics do not last three days (can you imagine three days in a row with your family??) and most Picnics are on Monday. Relationships are all about compromise, why can’t you fag it up on Faggy Island and then go to the picnic, you didn’t mention where his la Casa del familia de Pedro is but I assume local. If not, I would not recommend a weekend away quite yet. More importantly why the fuck are you making out in gay bars causing a scene, and really what kind of scene can a 35 and 40 year old make, except one where they look foolish. A word of advice ,if you do go to the Island (incidentially I start my summer share there memorial day weekend, Stop by and don’t say hello) make sure the smell of booze and poppers is completely gone from your person and all drugs have been consumed or thrown away, Coke does not make Mama’s potato salad zestier!!!!

Love Gusty

Dear Gusty,

I’ll say my name is Manfred. I come from a relatively respectable lineage from the South. I sadly admit that my familly’s history has those terrible words ‘plantation’ and ‘slavery’ tangled within and those circumstances and that knowledge has certainly shaped me into the man I am today. I don’t know whether it would be considered a fetish or a much deeper psychosis or what have you but ever since I was a young boy and realized that our family would be nothing without the ‘hired help’ that trickled down the family tree along side us, I have had a certain passion. It may sound bizarre but I have a burning need to somehow right the wrongs of my family in my own distorted way. I wouldn’t say I necessarily enjoy it always but I constantly seek out ways to overcompensate and I overindulge in ferocious sexual relations with men of African descent. Until I was about eight years old, we had a gentleman by the name of Theodore, who would work for my father. He would do carpentry, construction and various other maintenance work in and around our large estate. I never had any sort of typically cliched sexual rendevous with him but I would talk to him and listen to him and sometimes even help him bath or massage his sore muscles because I knew he worked so hard from morning until night and I gathered my parents most likely were very frugal with his monetary compensation. Now as a still somewhat closeted gay man living in New York City, I find myself agressively trying to pamper the men I find myself attracted to. I’ve never dated a White man and have always found myself in a very submissive relationship with the Black men I get involved with, be it a one night stand or a casual affair. Most of them definitely enjoy it and feed off my hunger to satisfy their every whim, but recently I’ve been enamored with a West Indian man who is almost disgusted with my behavior. We have intense love making sessions for the most part, he has the stamina of a wild horse and takes me to the highest peaks of pleasure I have ever experienced but when my actions sway towards begging to be humiliated and disrespected he gets immediately turned off and it shatters any solace we may have found together. I really like this man and would love to dive deep into a relationship with him but I’m constantly battling my behavior and the ways I have learned to please and satisfy and fix what I thought was broken by my family. Will I ever be able to let myself be treated as an equal or am I doomed to my own version of slavery?

Signed,

Seeking Emancipation

Dear Scarlett O’Crazy,

I had to let this one sink in for a bit. First let me start by saying “girl you are fucked up”. Though I will dispense with my wisdom here in this column your first step should be to seek professional help. First off, you are not your family and by no means owe anyone anything. If we all tried to right the wrongs of our forefathers we would never move ahead. Being submissive in the bedroom is one thing, but outside of the bedroom it gets pretty damn annoying, as you can see by your current situation. You did no wrong to this current boyfriend and you must understand his confusion when you want to be degraded and humiliated. If you want this to work out in any way shape or form you must get over this misguided sense of indebtedness. It sounds to me like you have deeper issues that this delicate magnolia of a column writer is unable to handle in the confines of a reply. Get a therapist so he can help you sort out fiction from fantasy. What two people agree upon in the bedroom is one thing, but to carry over that crazy shit into everday life is bonkers. Lincoln freed the slaves long ago, free yourself from your imaginary shackles. With regards to the West Indian man you are currently seeing, ummm if it doesn’t work out can I get his phone number.

Gusty

Dear Gusty,

My partner and I live in an Atlanta suburb. One of our favorite local eateries is called Yum Yum owned and operated by a very elegant Thai couple. For years I have suspected the wife to be a Kathoy or Thai Lady Boy. How can I find out without being offensive.

Perplexed Paul

Dear Perplexed,

I had to think long and hard on this one, I even ordered some pad Thai to get me in the mood. The answer is there is no way around be offensive if you ask outright. But you can narrow down the facts a little. If you engage in pleasantries with her ask if they have any children, not always a guarantee but it can help. Does she have an adam’s apple? (though it could have been shaved down). Maybe accidentially walk in on her in the bathroom. You know what Perplexed, I say mind your own fucking business. Who cares if she’s hiding her candy or a whole fucking Hershey factory under her dress, If you can’t tell then I say kudos to her. She has fooled the white man. If you do have the balls to ask, and I assume when you do, you will never frequent her restaurant again, I hope you will enjoy the Kaeng phet ped yang that she will most likely throw at you (don’t wear your good suit)

laaeo phohp gan mai (see you later in Thai)

Gusty

Dear Gusty,

My boyfriend of nine months recently found out that i have Grind’r on my IPhone and is really pissed off about it and is worried that he can’t trust me anymore. I really like him a lot and I honestly have it on my phone because a friend installed it a couple weeks ago when we were hanging out and I forgot to erase it. Unfortunately, when he confronted me about it I panicked and told him that I probably had Grind’r on my phone before I met him and swore I never use it. He then reminded me that he is the one who bought me the IPhone. How do I fix this? Help me please Gusty!

Sincerely,

Ground Beef

Dear Beef,

Liar Liar Grindr on Fire. First off the big issue here isn’t about wether or not you have Grindr. The issue is you are a big fat fucking liar and your boyfriend is an insecure jealous asshole. Sorry to be so strong in my wording, but you two have bigger issues. Honesty is the best policy So I would have just told your boyfriend the truth (if what you said about a friend installing it IS the truth). But here is where the seeds of doubt have been planted: Being tech savvy gal, I know to install grindr requires your iTunes password, so why did you give your friend your password? You basically downloaded the app yourself, but claim innocence because you didn’t physically type? I beg to difer. Man up lady! You wanted Grindr and you got it , and got caught. Now as for your jealous pussy ass of a boyfriend, having Grindr does not a cheat make, but I think you probably have given him cause for suspicion. So here’s my advice: he isn’t a boyfriend he’s a crutch, get rid of him and get on grindr and find someone less than a mile away.

Note to Grindr users: if your app says hes 7 feet away it’s either your roommate or a homeless person outside your window, in either case it’s gross.

Love,

Gusty (faithful iPhone and MAC user)

Dear Gusty,

A fist fight erupted at my CD support group last week. I thought it would be most unlady-like to attempt to break up a brawl, so I sat with my ankles crossed and pretended like nothing was happening. My friend Clarisse says I was being inconsiderate and might have saved Tina’s front teeth had I intervened.

What do you think Gusty Winds?

Sincerely,

Apathetic Pat

Dear Pat,

I assume when you say CD support you mean cross dresser and not compact disc. Otherwise if you are in need of a support group for transferring your music to mp3, you need professional help. But I digress. To answer your question: If you were truly acting lady like you would not have surrounded yourself with how shall I say unsavories. I believe you did the right thing by not getting involved. I do recommend that if this happens in the future to help the injured party locate their teeth. Oh that and find a new support group.

Love and Breezes,

Gusty Winds