'decisions'

I sit here after much history

Much deliberation

Much storytelling

Much caulking of the cerebral kind

Whether the words are upside down or

Right side up

I have asked if I am the clown

And now I know I am born to be the jester

And I have entertained once again

I have done my duty

And delivered my messages

Donning many hats

To cover my bald head

To cover my thoughts

To poorly conceal my doubts

In me

In him

In the possibilities I have dreamed

The ones I have attempted to manipulate

The one I have foreshadowed and forsaken

I sit here wide awake

As he sleeps against his will

Against my will

Against a stolen pillow

From a slave that since has been emancipated

Under a blanket of synthetic snowflakes

I sit here without a notebook and without a pen

But instead I have my fingers

this machine that I bought from him

the one that lights up and performs miracles

I use my safety

My dexterity

My horror

My hallelujah

And my most vital organ

To finally record my renderings

And capture the sacrament

I was finally eligible for

I sit here and occupy my time

With these words and these rhythms

Instead of breaking the law

Instead of rearming myself

With stolen ammunition

Begot by mistrust and sour stealth

Begot by desperation

Begot by pure fascination with this love

My heart has changed so many colors

Since that November evening

Every color of the rainbow

colors that I didn’t think existed

colors that I cannot wait to see again

I have tried to force my wings

To mirror those of a nightingale

To fly him to a safe haven

I am still not sure exists

begging that my tightest grip

Would prevent him from falling

Pleading that my devotion

Would have comforted him

Praying that my passion

Would have sufficed to save him

I may have succeeded several times

I know I failed enough times as well

I wanted him to be malleable

Just the way I would rearrange myself

To make him happier

To make myself what he wanted

To become something I’m not

I wanted him to be more like me

So that I knew what to expect

When to stay and when to go

I wanted to know everything

I wanted him to romance me

Strictly according to my rules

And in that wish I found myself

Not lubricated but dry and disfigured

Foolishly inviting resentment to dinner

And getting all too familiar

All too quaint with it’s company

I have attempted to uncover many secrets

Secrets that may not even exist

Secrets that I may have created

Secrets that frighten me

Secrets that sting and burn

Attempting to block

Attempting to hinder my view

Attempting to distract

From the simplicity of the matter

The truth of the tale

The impossibility

The right of the wrong

The reality

That slayed the fantasy

Strange attractors may find one another

Against their will

Against their nature

Against their judgement

Against their nobility

Against their chemical makeup

But their attraction is pure

Their attraction is worthy

Their attraction is electric

Their attraction is rare

Their attraction causes a chain reaction

And that leads to a connection

Sometimes that connection is good

Sometimes it is productive

Sometimes it is conductive

And that can only lead to love

I know now

That love is what I have achieved

Love is what I have received

Love is part of me now and forever

A tint on my soul

A scar on my wrist

A cloudiness in my eyes

A new and different hope and desire

Set aflame in my heart

I can only be thankful

For the pain and the pleasure

The gain and the loss

The pride and the fear

the technology

the sorcery

the history

the catastrophe

the mystery

the thunderstorm

the flower

the mountain

the jungle

the deep, deep ocean

the joy

the salvation

the song

the embrace

the teacher

the student

this is the story of the jester and the tiger

it has no beginning

it has no end

it was never written

though it shall never be forgotten

children will tell children

mother will tell daughter

father will tell son

when one tale has finished

another one has simply begun